Wednesday, June 11, 2014


Those were my last words to her "I want a divorce".

Our life may have seemed like a happy looking life, a beautiful wife, sustainable job, smart little kid, the American God Damn dream. Only for me, it wasn't, before getting married I got sent to the most of dangerous places, I kidnapped people, tortured them, killed them, part of my job. Every single other Agent would have loved to get out of that sort of heat, not me, it felt like home to me.

But it happened, I got married, once my higher ups knew about that, they started giving me baby assignments just because I had family. Every single morning of my new life, I tried to pretend like I was happy with them, I tried to convince myself that "I just need time to settle in" that never happened. People say that after the things I have done, a normal person would have nightmares about those times, I didn't and because of that I couldn't sleep.

Soon Kristine started to catch on, she tried to make me talk to her, but I was always distant, off in my little world. I was ready to get out, was ready to tell her for us to take a divorce, ready to explain everything, but before I could do that, she suggested we go to the Church, if only I had stopped her, if only I had told her before going, they would still be alive, but no, I had to stretch it out a bit longer, hoping that the feeling of being a family man would sink in, it never did and in the middle of our walk, once Masha was far away, I told her that I wanted a divorce, she looked at me shocked and simply walked away from me further in silence, I could see the sadness in her eyes, after that we didn't talk and never would, because shortly after that...well you know the story.

Somehow, I don't know how, Kelevra was able to find out about it...

He broke me, I've never felt so vulnerable, doesn't feel good, I want to die, but it's just like he said, I can't, something's keeping me away from that privilege, why can't I just take the knife and slit my throat? What is keeping me here? I want to die, why can't I do it myself? Why do I have to risk my life every time and try to get myself killed by someone else's hands? What is wrong with me?

I'm not a monster, something else...


  1. I can't say I know the feeling. But I know something like it, something I seriously regret doing.

    I was twelve, my Maths teacher pressured me to talk about my bruises and then I just broke down and told her the truth. Long story short, the school pressed charges, social services got involved, my stepdad got sent to prison for two years for aggravated assault of me and my mama. He had a horrible time there because in British prison culture, men who have assaulted a woman or child are despised. When my mama finally convinced me to visit and apologise, he was crying and asking why, why I did I grass on him when he had done so much for the family, he's the one who works and brings in the money even though we were broke as fuck. I didn't know what to tell him, I never did, and now he's dead, I can't make it up to him.

    The worst thing is, in those two years when he was doing time, those years were so peaceful, I started doing better at school and even made friends, at fourteen I even dated boys and wasn't worried about bringing them home to meet my family. Then when they let him out, it all went to shit again, sadness gave way to anger and things got even worse than before. I totally stamped on any chances of having a good parent-child rapport with him.

    So what keeps me here? Well, I have buddies. I have people who need help. I myself need help, and killing myself won't fix my problems, it'll just project them onto others. It's hard to believe someone will miss you if you top yourself. But I want you to know, if you try, I will stop you, if you succeed I will miss you lots.

    In my opinion, you are a human, with thoughts and hopes and goals like any other. You might be very different to the standard fare, but so am I, so was Kelevra, so are a lot of people involved in this game, but we're still human. Can't change that, can't even mitigate it. Not everyone is a family person, sometimes they just have a family out of social pressure, or whatever. You didn't know someone was going to attack when you said you wanted a divorce, you were just being honest, better to be honest than kid yourself you're having a good time.

    1. I caused her pain, pain she didn't need, she showed me love, showed me care, had true feelings for me. What did I do all those years? Showed her nothing in response, I tried, but it wasn't like her and she felt it.

    2. You tried. That's all we human beings can do.

  2. Divorced a dead person. That fucking sucks. Love fucking sucks.